Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
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That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Software Development ⛵️
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.