my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW