nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
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I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America