“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
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cat vs inanimate object
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.