the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*jingles half the way*
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere