@kristinb5150

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

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@david8hughes

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

@sixfootcandy

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

@catstronomical

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

@PhuckinCody

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

@MannyDiesel

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

@donni

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

@sofarrsogud

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.