[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
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[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
two people or more is called a problem
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
oh shit
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
“What movie?” 🤔
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.