{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
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It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion