I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
You Might Also Like
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies