This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime