“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
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Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
🤣
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.