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when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
how high up are we talkin’?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.