me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
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I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Breaking news:
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“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
i’m laughing very hard in real life
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Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN