me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
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I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done