girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
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*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me when my alarm goes off
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
6. me as a lawyer
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.