If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
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FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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