Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’d hang this in my house.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens