rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
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Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.