sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
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[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Follow me for more life hacks.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while