ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
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doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
crazy
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Monday?
No. Next question.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.