You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
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Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Tough love is true love
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
This is I, Robot all over again
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!