Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The cashier just checked me out.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”