Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
You Might Also Like
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Husband of the year 😂
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
my retirement plan is braless
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache