Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
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Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations