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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?