Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.