flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
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My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Story of my life…..
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?