A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
sigh
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.