Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?