A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
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I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno