CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
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I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”