getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
why I oughta
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
The Backseat Boys
SF is the wild wild west man