“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
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wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]