The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
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Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction