Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”