You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.