I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My Guy
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”