When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
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I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I laughed at this way too hard.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
bro what is going on at twitter
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*