π€¦π»ββοΈππ
You Might Also Like
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: Iβm sure.
Me: Youβre cranky.
Wife: Iβm not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like youβre in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if theyβd come do mine also.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
When a tough guy comes at me like βHey! You want some of THIS?!β Iβm scared, but also itβs like… thank you for asking, you know?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport wonβt keep me high for my entire flight itβll just make going through security Terrifying
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
βYour Songβ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I tried some new stretches, and now Iβve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesnβt know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting βITSA ME! MARIO!β