God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
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My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
dads on road-trips be like
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Same pineapple, same
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!