Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
You Might Also Like
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Word!
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.