Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
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I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air