Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger![]()
You Might Also Like
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions