me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
PARKOUR
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.