me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
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ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something