Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.