Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
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Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.