I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
You Might Also Like
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller