idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
You Might Also Like
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle