I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT