I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
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in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:![]()
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.