them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
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The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.