I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
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My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I identify as an antique shop.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.