Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
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Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Good boy 😂😂
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.