When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
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My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful